drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
