I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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