His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
