Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
