I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
