i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize