last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
