I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
