cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
