dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
