You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize