I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
