nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
