I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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