Pappa wants mamma naked
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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