It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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