I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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