I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
