Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
