So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
