We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
