I haven't been this sober since birth.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
