Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
