I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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