We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
