why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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