I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How naked do you want me to be?
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