i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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