I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
