I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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