Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
