He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
this hospital has no fireball
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
