just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
