I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
