Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize