I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
