I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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