so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
