we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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