i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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