I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
birth control should be required to get into college
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's blow job season.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
