Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
