my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
