I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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