I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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