he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
