My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
