yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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