I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
