I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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