Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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