I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
