awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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