Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm just crazy horny about you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
