My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize